i’ve had SO many thoughts and SUCH little time to process.
the day will come where i spam this page with a billion posts of everything i’ve been learning throughout the past several months. so many hardships i want to document, as well as many moments where i’ve been in awe of how God works.
but for now, in summary, i’ve felt pretty distant from everything. passion, love, joy – things which usually hit me directly in the heart – have been pretty ineffective in breaking through this apathetic/numb state i’ve been in.
yet, i have no doubt that God is working, so i’ve been questioning my own heart.
do i fully realize how much i need Him? it wasn’t long ago that i felt as though i was at my lowest, and thankfully, i no longer feel quite as down…
however, this change brings questions: have i been relying on Him to piece me back together, or am i finding other people/things/feelings to do so? i say i don’t want control of my own life, but i can’t help but feel as though i’ve unknowingly fought to do so. what’s the point of ‘recovering’ from my brokenness if i do so through my own, tainted methods? how can i surrender everything to Him? what does that even mean? where is the line where surrendering all to Him turns into laziness and apathy?
so, for the very few people who continue to keep up with me through this page, there’s a part of a song i’ve been singing a lot recently as a prayer. i’d appreciate if you could pray alongside me —
open our hearts
to see the things that make Your heart cry
to be the church that You would desire
light to be seen
***
break down our pride
and all the walls we’ve built up inside
our earthly crowns and all our desires
we lay at Your feet
with everything – hillsong worship
the parallel between what He desires in verse 1 and what we desire in verse 2 convicts me. the things i’ve been desiring, such as peace, comfort, or joy seem like harmless desires. God wants those things for us too, right?
but then i consider the ways i’ve been trying to achieve those things. how much of my personal efforts to ‘be okay’ are glorifying to Him and reflect what he desires? how much of my life is made up of things i’ve put in place to feel peace, comfort, or joy?
‘desire’ is a word i’ve been learning about a lot lately.
when tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own desire and enticed. then, after each desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
James 1:13-15
essentially, our desires could lead us straight to death. it makes sense, yet we often fail to realize that even if our desires are good and pure, there is a wrong way to work towards our desires. artificial joy is nothing compared to true joy in Jesus, and temporary peace doesn’t even come close to fulfilling what i need. what can man create that can out-stand perfect creations by our God?
it’s a scary prayer to have because surely i have many faults that will be revealed throughout the process, but Lord, help me to desire nothing but You, with everything i have in me.