the closer i get to 30, the more i seem to loathe every decision i’ve made until this point.
the friends i’ve made or lost, the classes i took in college, the relationships i’ve chosen to give myself to, etc.
i’ve never been able to look back and appreciate a situation in the past. at the same time, i haven’t really been one for regret — until lately. these days, i find every waking thought to be filled with regret. the “why did i do thats” and “what ifs” truly haunt me.
why am i so afraid of 30?
what did i even want to accomplish by then?
deep down, i know what i wanted. i’ve romanticized the life i’d have by this point with all these things i can’t even vocalize to myself because of how absurd and out of reach it all seems. growing up, i was always the kid that excelled. i often had my choice of friends, relationships, degrees, etc. but lately it seems as though i have no options in life. i don’t even have the choice to have the things i want. things keep getting taken from me. everything i love is being taken from me. i never thought i would be in this place.
God gives and takes away, but please, Lord. please stop taking away.