i went in for my second infusion today. still at 30mg administered over 40min (same as the last one), but this time with toradol and something for the nausea — i’ve been dizzy and my head has hurt since the infusion on tuesday.
one of the things i’ve been fearful of since before i even began this treatment was the potential to find myself in a bad trip, and unfortunately, during my second visit, i found myself traumatized. as i shared in the note i sent to my doctor yesterday, my first trip was pretty out of body and cannot be explained with any words aside from “weird.” if i had to put some sort of sentiment behind it, i’d say it was weird in a good way. actually, it was really good. a lot vivid colors, landscapes, and even when i’d find myself trapped under something, i was able to find a way out. the entire trip felt like a search for God and although i was never able to see him with my own eyes, i never felt angry. rather, i was thankful for the opportunity to explore such beauty as i explored the world, twirling and flying and swimming in environments i had conjured up in my own mind. even the sea creatures i ran into were like none i had ever seen before.
today’s experience was a stark contrast from the first. as we began the session, i felt quite anxious. however, high anxiety my normal state so i didn’t think much of it. the nurse asked if i wanted to begin the session or take some time to breathe, and i stated, “i don’t think time is going to make anything better, so we might as well get started now.” big mistake.
as the ketamine began to hit, i quickly got stuck in blackness. everything was gray, then faded to black, and soon, the only thing illuminating any of this was clouds of red that would wash over the scene here and there. back in the real world, i was listening to my favorite playlist through my headphones, but in my trip, i despised the music and wanted to take my headphones off. i really thought i could push through it.
the medication is scheduled to be administered over 40 minutes, followed by 45 minutes of rest as the ketamine does its job. i heard the iv machine (idk what it’s called) beep several times, indicating the end of the medication administration, and felt a lot of relief, thinking that the worst had passed. this is where i can’t remember what happened. i remember a fuzzy shadow of my nurse hovering over me, telling me that it’s all over, that i did a good job, and removing my headphones. i remember desperately wanting to remove them far earlier, but my body wasn’t responding to my instructions – i was completely paralyzed. as soon as he took them off, i realized myself trying to yell, but words were not forming. only cries and whimpers escaped my lips.
this is where i black out again. i’m not entirely sure what happened here, but in the moment, i genuinely believed i was facing death. i felt my lips go cold, waves of nausea overtook me, and my body was somehow both weak, yet fighting for its life. i felt like my spirit was floating away from my physical being, and i was doing everything in my power to find myself back on the plane of this world. truly one of the most terrifying experiences i have ever felt.
still stuck in this state, i eventually started to register the voice of my nurse next to me, stroking my arm to ground me. he was telling me that i was safe, i was doing a good job fighting, that i was in a hospital in ann arbor, and that whatever i was seeing wasn’t real. i could hear him, but i was fighting for life – i was having a panic attack in my own subconscious while truly, fighting to stay alive. i don’t know that this is medically accurate, as i probably didn’t actually come close to dying, but this is what i believed to be true about my experience.
i began to break out of this little by little, finding my breath again and minutes later, finding strength to open my eyes and finding movement in my toes. i realized my entire face was drenched in tears.
two things i want to write about before i end this entry: what was happening in the real world, and what i was experiencing in my own subconscious.
in the real world, i guess it appeared as though i had received the medication just fine. my nurse said i seemed okay until the end of the treatment, post-beeping of the iv machine, which indicates that all of the medication had been released into my body. it was right around then that i began to say, “stop” repeatedly, which i guess is when i realized i was unable to power through. they began to flush me with more iv fluid to get the ketamine out of my system faster, as well as administered some other medication but i’m unsure what that was. it must have been obvious that i was fighting hard, because my nurse held my hand and soothed me until i was able to breathe again. then he frantically typed up some notes, the NP, doctor, and a few other nurses continued to come in and out until i was discharged. in the future, he said they would drop me down to 25mg over 50-60 minutes, and perhaps they would first start with a medication to soothe my anxiety (midazolam i believe) to put me in a calmer headspace before beginning my session.
more convoluted and truly, i don’t know how to process, is what was going on in my head. it began with clouds of gray, black, and red, and unlike the first time, i was unable to get out of these unpleasant visions. i remember a simple thought of mine: “i hope this doesn’t traumatize me – Lord knows i can’t deal with any more trauma,” and that simple thought set me into a spiral. i remember thinking about my family and the trauma there, of the Korean church community i have been so hurt by, and by the concept of death. i remember a lot of my own thoughts/words coming back to taunt me, like when i was 18 speaking with a social worker who said i had PTSD, and the denial i had then. i remember being so shaken by the word ‘trauma.’ there was a lot more that i thought about, but i was coming in and out of reality throughout this process, so my thoughts are quite broken and not cohesive. from later research, i realize i k-holed, which is an extreme feeling of dissociation due to ketamine.
in any world, it was probably the most terrifying thing i’ll ever experience. on the plus side, it made me feel for the first time that i may actually want to live. or at least, that if i died right now, i’d have a lot of regrets. it also made me realize just how much trauma i carry from being around the korean church. perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate my decision to stay in one.
that’s all for today’s reflection. i am terrified to sleep, i am terrified of darkness. i hope i can shake this off soon.