“i don’t know where id be without you.”
it’s a simple statement that arguably, can be said to almost everyone we know. it’s usually used to portray gratitude and endearment, but i often have this thought about people i almost wish i could un-meet.
it doesn’t happen often. in fact, i can count on one hand the people i truly wish i had never met. it’s not really about how the relationships ended or who hurt me the most, it’s more about who has shaped me into who i am.. in less than ideal ways. while it’s true – the generic sentiments of “i don’t know what the alternate version of me is,” and “that version could arguably be even worse off” – i still feel the burden of their effects on me. all these years later, and i still regret allowing some of these people close to me. i wish i protected myself better. i wish i could re-claim some parts of myself. you took so much from me. i wish i could undo our meeting.
take the first person i almost dated, for example. the first person i trusted deeply and personally. the first person i accepted care from. but.. we were young, and when his life became stressful and i was suddenly ghosted with no explanation, he didn’t realize that i would feel the effects of it even a decade later. he’d approach me again years later, but how could i tell him that my trust in people has been permanently scarred by him?
most obviously is the guy i did date for a few years. the first person beside my family to claim i was deserving of love, and the first person i chose to accept it from. what i didn’t know was that he had a porn addiction and carried the classic toxic traits of korean men, and that so much of my life – and definition of love – would be shaped by these things. even the way i resolve conflict has been shaped by him, and i continue to hurt people because of this. his presence somehow haunts every relationship i’ve had since then. despite how much i try to “move on,” i have been severely stunted by him. all these years later, and i still think that meeting him feels like a curse.
honorable mention goes to all of the males who claim to be a friend, but later attempt to turn our friendship into something with a romantic twist. when rejected, they leave. thank you for showing me that i was never a friend. i was just the potential solution to your loneliness. this one is especially for the one who left angrily and abruptly. it’s been years since that conversation, and i still have not regained the desire to make deep friendships.
of course, there are a few people who have hurt me far deeper, but i’m still working through processing them. plus, record of these instances will likely never see the light of day. they are my burdens to carry in secret and in silence.
i’ve always been a complicated person, but moreso after all encountering of these people. sometimes, i daydream about who i would be without these people. if they had been more mature, if they had been more honest, if they had recognized their shortcomings.. or perhaps simply, if we had never crossed paths.
i suppose that’s the point of life — to live without control and be thankful for everything and everyone who has gotten us to where we are, whether it was painful or full of joy… but if i’m completely honest, i still grieve the alternate timelines where i ended up with my first crush (or at least got closure), wasn’t a 17 year old who was “loved” by a porn addict, or was someone who still had her best friends by her side. one of the terrible things is that despite all of this, i miss you all.
i wonder how i’ve shaped others, and if anyone would like to un-meet me. i wonder if, in my immaturity, i’ve permanently affected others. i wonder if they miss me. i wish i could tell them, despite how delayed it is — i am sorry.