the parallel between the hardest point of my life (2014-2017) and now feels too close for my comfort.

when i think about that 3 year stretch, my mind is flooded by so many memories, almost all of which are too painful to fully recount, yet somehow, i am being confronted with eerily similar themes. the personal issues that others concerned themselves with, the unexplainable health issues, the constant crying out to the Lord but being met with silence, the constant loneliness and distrust of others… all leading to such deep, all-consuming fear.

i think a lot of me is in denial still. at the time of writing, it’s been about 1.5 years since i’ve been crying out to the Lord, and somehow, it feels as though every time i draw near to Him, He pulls away and lets something else fall apart. my head tells me this isn’t true and that i need to rebuke myself for assuming such things; my heart can’t even speak because it is so heavy. this is not a new battle.

i guess only time will tell what life will look like, and if this will be a repeat of history or not. perhaps i am completely wrong, and my time in the wilderness ends here (please, please let me be wrong), but i have a sinking feeling in my gut that i will be in for a tough ride. those 3 years of my life led me to believe that the Lord is not good, despite me wanting to believe it so, so badly. after those years, i remember being so shaken, i couldn’t do anything. sleep, eat, talk – it was all out of the picture. i forgot what my laugh sounded like, forgot what it meant to have dreams or to sit with the Lord. it took years for me to recover my faith. if you had asked me even a few months ago, i would have told you that i was determined to win the battle this time around. today, however, i’m here preparing my white flag.

• is my surrender something that would bring joy to the Lord?

• is it something that Jesus would do?

• is it something that proves i know the worth of the gospel?

• who am i that He would need to prove His goodness to me?

i know the answers to these questions, yet i think my actions remain unchanged. fear has officially and consistently trumped gratitude.

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Lord, i see myself watching the downfall of my faith and my heart for you, i am becoming nothing but stone. good riddance to my heart; it was rotten anyway.

i hope that you see the fight i have put up. how long i tried not to let go, and how much my heart beat for you in the past. i used to believe i was one of your strongest soldiers – someone who was unstoppable when it came to the Kingdom. but it seems i am far weaker than i believed myself to be.

Lord, i know that you pursue me even when i refuse to acknowledge you. perhaps this is all just a page in the eternity of my life with you. perhaps tomorrow i will wake up with a renewed sense of strength and love. but Lord, just as David had his seasons of brokenness, Lord, here is mine.

i have absolutely nothing of worth or goodness to offer you. i am sorry.