those who have come to know me post-2015 probably share a similar image of me: deeply thoughtful, academically successful, bubbly, with high expectations/goals for myself.
it’s absolutely absurd to think that i’m seen in that way by others.
pre-2015 irene was petrified by the hard realities of life. depression consumed every aspect of life from a young age. i was physically unable to climb out of bed for days (on and off), impacting me to the point where my high school administrators did not believe me fit to join the rest of my class for graduation.
anxiety was a crippling, heavy burden sitting upon my shoulders on the daily. panic attacks so severe, it would cause me to black-out were the norm. i couldn’t understand what a “normal” breathing pattern was; even so much as an unsettling look from a teacher would set off an episode of hyperventilation.
i’ve generally been pretty good at keeping a journal. these entries brought back a life i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
wednesday, 2/25/15 – “my dreams were shut down years ago. i give up. i have no hopes for the future.”
friday, 2/27/15 – “i skipped school again. i got out of bed and couldn’t do it. i wish i could stop crying. i depend on earthy beings to provide joy for me. i need to find joy in Christ again. but to be honest, i don’t want to. i’m angry and frustrated.”
wednesday, 3/4/15 – “i haven’t spoken to father in weeks. i’ve failed him. i am worthless and a failure.” … “couldn’t sleep. missed school. missed lock-in. i feel horrible. i can’t live with myself.”
friday, 3/13/15 – “i have so many thoughts i don’t want to share, or even admit to myself. i skipped a few hours of school today again. i messed up. but… i didn’t plan on making it to this point alive so i guess it’s a good thing i’m still here? i don’t know what to do. i don’t know. i feel useless everywhere. i checked my grades for the first time this semester. i don’t know how i let this happen… i’m such a disappointment. i’m so behind with relay for life. why do they trust me to lead it? … i haven’t found my 4 people to pray for me. i don’t have 4 people i trust.”
reading through these journal entries brings me back to the hours i would spend wrapped in a blanket, tucked away between my bed frame and my wall, knees hugged, lights off. my heart breaks for the young girl who thought this was how life just was. how life would always be. and thank Jesus, literally thank Jesus, for the life i get to live and how opposite it is from the twisted perception i had.
pre-2015 irene didn’t have a single goal. she couldn’t even start to comprehend the question, “what are your dreams in life?” what life? she didn’t even plan to live until high school graduation. i’ve been able to verbalize the raw reality only on the rare occasion: she planned for her life to end before may 2015.
fast forward to 2019, and i have come to realize, for the first time in so long, if not ever, i have a dream. this concept is so foreign that i have to step back and think about how to approach it. the thought of one day achieving my goals brings tingles through my toes and cues a chilling adrenaline rush throughout my body.
with this comes doubts and anxiety, but also with trust that MY plans are not the best. to be honest, even after all these years, i’m not sure what purpose those years of suffering had. regardless, i am so, so thankful to You for two things: 1) although i may wake up with heavy shoulders, my life looks nothing like it did, which i credit to understanding the joy of having Jesus, and 2) for giving me a heart that was not blind to You, but more importantly, to You, for having a heart that would never ever stop chasing after me. truly, there is no significance of 2015 aside from my attributing it to the development of my personal, mature relationship with Jesus.
hoping i can live up to the expectations people have developed for me: thoughtful, academically successful, bubbly, with high expectations/goals for myself… but most importantly, above any positive trait or goal i may be tied with, i hope to be seen as a fearless woman of God, a devoted leader for His Kingdom – one who exudes love and joy above anything.
praying i never forget what it means to be a child of God. praying i never grow ignorant to who Jesus is. praying i never lose sight of this goal.